Serena's birth story...(9/11 connection)

Serena's 12th birthday was Friday, September 13th. Every year around this time I get to thinking of the circumstances of her birth. Many of you knew me back then and are very familiar with this story but may enjoy hearing this story yet again. For those of you who have never heard this, feel free to laugh AT me.

Background info: The kids Dad, Jack and I never were married although we were together for twelve years previous to our 2008 breakup. Jack is fifteen years my senior, although he was previously married, he had no children. Medically, I had gynecological issues, which basically involved the lack of menstral cycles. I was put on birth control pills at nineteen to help this issue. Eventually, my doctor discovered that the BC pills were causing my severe migraines and was contributing to my high blood pressure. In 2000, I had testing done and it was concluded that I had polycystic ovarian disease. My testosterone levels were high and the likely hood of having fertility problems was high as well. At this point I was taken off birth control. I left the doctors office that day with the understanding that I would probably never have children. Jack had just turned forty. I accepted it and went on with my life.
February 2001, a teacher at my school passed away and there was overwhelming sadness that filled me. I felt awful. Sick, all day everyday. I'd cry a lot. I slept a lot.

Spring 2001, I'm feeling better, but my right thigh went numb. I'm lightheaded. Although I have little appetite, my clothes are becoming too small, particularly around my waist. While laying on my stomach I felt a baseball size "mass" in my lower abdomen. I called my OB/GYN and made an appt. for late May. I didn't tell the receptionist about the mass. I just said I needed to see the doctor. I just waited.

May 7, 2001. I woke up sick again. I went to work but I didn't eat breakfast. By mid morning I knew I was going to pass out. I went to the school nurse. Instead of calling for an ambulance she took me to the ER. They immediately put me on a heart monitor, ordered blood tests, CT scan and X rays. While I was having the CT scan, I was told by the tech that the scan had to be stopped because I was pregnant. I was sent to ultrasound where it was confirmed that I was twenty weeks pregnant. Five months...half the pregnancy was already over. I was also told that the baby was a girl.

Jack came and picked me up and I told him the news. We were both in shock. The next day I saw my OB/GYN, he confirmed the pregnancy as well. He was surprised.

In late August at thirty two weeks I went into premature labor. My blood pressure had also increased so I was put on bed rest and took meds to stop labor.

On September 11, 2001, I had a doctor's scheduled for that morning. The doctor said to stop taking the meds. I did. Labor pains started immediately. On the way home we heard that planes had hit the twin towers and the Pentagon. At the time we lived about thirty minutes outside Washington D.C. Phone lines were jammed. I sat at home recording contractions. I turned the TV off. I couldn't watch. I had contractions off and on that day and the next. On Thursday, September 13th I woke up with an awful headache.  I had another doctor's appointment that morning. My blood pressure was 215/115. I was admitted to the hospital, put on IVs to lower my BP and induce labor. Later that night Serena's heart rate dropped and I was taken in for a C section. She was born that night. The name I had chosen for her meant serene or peaceful. How appropriate. So much death was around us but this sweet baby had given us such peace. Every year on the anniversary of 9/11 we refect on the events that changed the world.  I think of the event that changed my life forever. The two will be forever entwined.

Dealing with a cronically crtitical spouse

There's a preface to this post. In no way am I complaining or putting down ANY family member in this post. The purpose of this blog is to address my issues and how I'm working on being a better person. Criticism is a constant issue I deal with almost every day and I'm opening up to share my experiences with my readers....good, bad or otherwise.

Criticism. As defined by Google...the expression of disapproval of someone or something based upon perceived faults or mistakes.

Peter Clemens posted an article online called The Sensitive Person's guide to Handling Criticism. The post begins like this:

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re happily going about your day when, out of nowhere, someone criticizes something you say or do. Suddenly you lose focus and can’t stop thinking about what they said or
wrote. You know you shouldn’t be bothered, but knowing doesn’t help you stop thinking about it over and over and over.

That's me...all my life. Growing up, my mother was critical of so many things I did.  Many times as a teenager I resented her critism. I felt like I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. Everything from my choice of clothing, boyfriends or my grades was subject to her harsh criticism. I hated it. Fast forward twenty years....guess what? I'm married to someone who criticizes me even more than my mother did! What does he criticize? Well.....just this morning he critized the way I keep house, cook meals, deal with Ian, and my apparent laziness. Yep, can you imagine how I feel? This morning I cried. Like with my Mom, I try very hard to please and I ALWAYS strive to do my best with everything. But the feelings of being defeated and demoralized continue. Why? Because I let other peoples words affect me and bring me down. So what can I do to change this? I know what y'all are thinking....I need to kick his butt to the curb. No, that's not the answer either. Just like I couldn't change  Mom i can't change my husband either. He's going to voice his opinion. So its my reaction and feelings that I can control. The first thing I realize about criticism is that it isnt about me, people are the way they are because thats the way they are. Secondly, I can't take the criticism personally. As the sign in my classroom says "Breath in, breath out, move on" Just keep going on. Lastly, I'm not going to let someone else's words stop me from being me and doing what I WANT to do and how I want to do it. I won't bottle up my feelings but channel them in a positive manner, like this blog. Will this cause problems? Probably, but I'm not worried. I'm working on ME, and he will need to work on his own stuff, which he refuses to do, so that is his own cross to bear, not mine.

Footnote: its already been brought to my attention that I should be talking to my husband about his criticism. I have, many, many times. He sees his criticism as voicing his opinion and he feels like he has the right to voice his opinion, which he does. But it hasn't changed the fact that he continues to criticise. As I said, I've addressed it with him with no change so all I can do is work on myself and have him deal with himself. That's the way I see it.

The advice I gave was pulled from the article I cited at the beginning of my post. More information was given in that article so I would encourage you to Google it and read it.

Renewal in Autumn Blessings

Happy September!  There are so many things that I love about September. It starts getting cooler, Serena and Carl have birthdays (not to mention both my parents birthdays, my Mom wouldve turned 61 this year). Fall, football, and the Sprint Cup Chase begins. I start seeing pumpkins and apples all around. I would say changing leaves, but that doesn't happen down here until December...lol. I love cooking chilli, stews and soups in my crock pot this time of year too! There are so many wonderful things in Autumn. I found a good name for all of these things.....Autumn Blessings! The air in Autumn feels so refreshing and when I go outside and breathe the Autumn air I feel renewed and rejuvenated. And that, my friend, is the true blessing! Since making my health and spiritual changes I have felt renewed and with the starting of September, I feel even more energized! I'm excited about living life and enjoying God's handy work around me. So from me to you, I'm sending warm hugs and a big smile to say something great is on the way and be hopeful in God's plan for us in this new season!

be a warrior not a worrier

Its been awhile since I've posted. Yes, I've been busy, school is starting soon so we've had various appointments and I took a two day class. But really I havent been feeling up to posting. I want my blog to be positive uplifting experience for my readers. Lately, I've been struggling. As much as I have tried to give my worries to God, I have been bogged down with worry. I know many people may be worried about something at any point in time. Whether its financial, family, employment, or health worries, we all struggle with this. I could make a VERY long list of things I'm currently worried about. I have prayed and I SAY I have given these worries to God. Then I get frustrated because I see everyday that things are still the same. My husband reminds me that God is an on time God. He will provide in His time. I was reminded of this just this weekend. I drive a 2005 Honda CRV with nearly 150,000 miles on it. It has been a very reliable car for me. But I know with every mile I drive something may break. This summer I noticed that when I idle at a stop light or drive thru that the car would run hot and the AC would blow hot air. I put coolant in it and it got a little better. I then discovered BOTH my radiator fans had stopped working. My husband convinced me to take it to the shop to see if it was a bad fuse, relay switch or if they needed to be replaced. It was determined that indeed both fan motors would need to be replaced, with labor, would cost approximately $600. I was devastated. There was no way I could pay that. Several years ago I filed for bankruptcy so I lost all my credit cards, which by the way was the reason why I had to file in the first place. On the way to pick my car up my husband suggested that I/we try to apply for credit with the shop, for my Ozark readers, is Waley's beside McDonald's. I argued that I wouldn't get approved and I would feel even worse. It was an option and I figured that I had nothing to lose so I applied. I was approved.......with a $700 limit. I about fell over. I coulldnt believe it. God IS  an on time God. I need to have faith that my worries will be taken care of.  God will provide. I have to admit that there have been times when I didn't have money and I thought for sure that we wouldn't have grocery or medicine money. But we always have what we need when we need it. I don't always understand the HOW or WHY but God has provided. The other day one of my FB friends, Crystal posted the following:Knowledge is knowing when you can't. Faith is knowing that God can. Wisdom is finding a solution in chaos. Courage is making a change even through the fear. I read this several times. To summarize it... I can't do it alone..but God can find a solution if I have the courage to overcome my fear and believe that my situation will change. That's huge for me.....because I'm human and I'm a worrier. However, in building faith I will become a warrior and not a worrier.

Blessings

In the last few days things have been trucking on along pretty smoothly. My blood sugar has been within the normal limits, Ian has been doing well, Serena is looking forward to starting school and embarking on a new adventure.....band!

The other day Serena asked me one of her deep thought provoking questions. If you've ever spent time around this child you know she's going to ask you a question that's going to stop you in your tracks.

Her question was this "How do homeless kids get school supplies?"

WOW. I explained that many organizations donate items for kids in need and sometimes the child's school will give them supplies. "Oh" she said. You may wonder why would a care free 11 year old child ask that kind of question. I know why. She overheard me complaining about having to buy school supplies for two kids. I'm solely responsible for making these purchases plus clothing, and quite honestly, its hard on me financially. My kids need it so I grundgingly do it. Looking at my daughter I realized she was feeling quilty in a way, like her needs were a burden. OUCH!!

I saw a quote posted on FB that read " I may not have everything I want in life, but I'm blessed enough to have what I need. I for that I am grateful."

I spend too much time thinking about what I DON'T have when I have so many blessings right in front of me.
I am blessed with....
 two beautiful children,
a husband who loves regardless,
a fabulous job with benefits,
wonderful friends and coworkers,
a house (with AC) to live in,
a car that is drivable,

The list could go on.

And I gripe about school supplies. Glue and paper.

I continue to work on making changes in my life, inside and out....remembering I am too blessed to be stressed! And for that....I am truly grateful!

FOOD and FAITH

It has been a week since my doctor's appointment. I'm glad to report that my blood pressure and sugar levels continue to decrease. Ive adjusted to this new way of life, however my children haven't faired as well. One unexpected side affect of not having junk food in the house is the kids are constantly complaining about being hungry, STARVING, in fact to use their word. If you've seen my kids then you know that they are quite healthy. What has happened is their snacking between meals has stopped so they are feeling hungry, all the time. Its been difficult for me because its innate for a mother to want to feed her children and whinning seriously grates on my nerves after awhile. But honestly, I see this as an opportunity to get the whole family to practice healthier habits, not just me. BTW, the kids are allowed a snack at 7:00.

I hate that it seems like so much thought and effort goes into what goes in our mouths. I love food, and for so many years I self medicated with food. Good food made me happy. And much to my dismay, I'm afraid my daughter is developing similar habits. That scares me. I know that our bad habits can't change overnight and it takes a lot of time, effort and prayer to change.

As I stated in my previous blog, I've been going to counseling through the Road to Recovery program at my church. What I didn't know prior to entering the program is that's its not just for people with drug or alcohol addiction but anyone who has "stuff" that they need to deal with whether its abuse, divorce, marital problems, negative self worth, ect. For me, fear and letting go of past hurts have been the areas that have been addressed. And through this most current trial I have learned an important lesson....I must have faith that my problems are in His hands and that not only will I come out of this situation a healthier person, but stronger in faith. Right now, my issues (and my family's) with food CAN and WILL BE defeated. As Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through him who strengthens me"

Many of you have shared your struggles with me, we all have weaknesses that we either choose to deal with or ignore. I encourage you to have faith, that you can and will defeat those things in your life that keep you from living your best life, the one God wants us to have.

I am determined that I will be happy with me.....even without a Big Mac in my hand!

FEAR

Last Christmas my family had portraits done. When I saw them I was absolutely horrified. Why? I looked FAT! Charlie and the chocolate factory blueberry girl fat! So what was I doing about it? Absolutely nothing! I work full time, I have two kids, one with special needs, I have a house to clean, meals to cook, oh yes, and a husband. I don't have time to think about that. I buried my problems in fried chicken, potatoe chips and chocolate cookies.

Stepping back, I have a confession to make. I am currently receiving counseling through my church. I won't go into all the reasons why, but its safe to say me and my family deal with huge issues almost on a daily basis and thankfully the Children's Minister recognized that I was on the verge of a breakdown. It became crystal clear to me in my first session what my problem is. In dealing with life, I forgot about me. Me didn't matter anymore. 

Last week my brother in law Jack came to visit/stay with us after many years of being away from the family. My husband's family came over, we grilled out and went to the beach. I don't swim nor do I get into a bathing suit nor do I use the bathroom until we get home. Eight hours. That's how long I held it that day. Within 24 hours I knew something was very wrong. My nether region burned like a fire cracker. I couldn't sleep at night and I was applying large amounts of desiten to try get by. After one week I could bear it no more. I went to the doctor. You see I hadn't been to a doctor in over three years. I didn't go simply because of FEAR! My Mom died at 40, leaving us kids without her and in my twisted way of rationalization, I figured I can't be diagnosed with anything if I don't go. Me didn't matter.

I sat in the doctors office and from the get go I knew it was bad.......very bad. My blood pressure was 175/100. Great. They took blood and urine and I waited. Yes, I had a massive bladder infection, yes my blood pressure was extremely high. But this time, there was something unexpected. I am also diabetic. There.....I said it. Normal numbers should be below 6, mine was 8. My sugar was 265. High, but not going into coma high. I am also anemic, and my liver enzymes are elevated. So I'm now on an antibiotics for the bladder infection, blood pressure meds, and oral meds to reduce my sugar. I was given a booklet about the low carb diabetes diet and I went home. I sat on my couch and moped. Then it hit me.....
In taking care of me, I need to take care of me! DUH! I need to take care of me so my kids will have their Mom at their high school graduations and weddings. I HAVE to do this. I have to change! 

So.....I started this blog so I can share my experiences, good or bad. I need to write about this to motivate myself in making healthy changes. 

In five days I've lost approximately 15 pounds. No soda, smaller portions, no second helpings and no junk food. I am on  mission.....a mission to take care of myself and be a happier and healthier ME!